Dear friends,
For those of you who accessed this blog from my Instagram : https://www.instagram.com/support.felix4master/
you might've seen this picture and yes, I hope this blog would serve that purpose, so let's get started!
5W+H π π
The name's Felix Kurnia Zaoputra, but you can call me Felix, or θΆε₯εΏ if you know some Mandarin. Yes, I was born in Jakarta, Indonesia, on November 27th, 1979 to a Chinese-Indonesian couple. I've spent most of my life in Indonesia, particularly Jakarta, studying, working, and recently (from 2007) raising a family. The only flight I've currently taken was three, 2 domestic flights to Padang, West Sumatera, and once to Singapore.
I'm currently an undergraduate with bachelor degree majored in Information System & Industrial Engineering from Bina Nusantara University Jakarta, class of 1998. Most of my adolescent were not much different from many of my friends, seeking sense of identity, struggled with studies, peer pressures, romances π
, and struggles for acknowledgement and sense of worth.
The First Miracle : MUSIC πΌπΉ
I was raised in a semi modern conservative Asian family where the words "please, sorry & thank you" have been absent for almost forever. I guess being a child, there's a unique dynamics in which you'd do almost anything to gain your parents' favor even though the distance they've created have been hurting you in many ways. And by "anything" in my case was translated in persistence in becoming top 3 π
of my class almost every academic year, being active in student organizations (though I'm actually an introvert), almost obtaining black belt in Taekwondo π₯ and .. studying both guitar & electone (later proceeded as self-taught keyboards & piano).
To say that music was my "miracle" is not at all an exaggeration because of two things :
- My instrumental studies unlocked & unleashed my inner-artist. It's hard to explain how I perceive tones & harmonies (later know as chord) as arrays of color in my mind that I can choose and build on top of or linked with each other. I was literally having an additional sense activated.
- Having learnt it due to obsession of acceptance, and finally ended up not so bad, music is the strongest experience I can always return to and retell my admiration from, of how lousy starts can have wonderful endings.
The First Seed : a Flashback π️π½️
Our financial lacking limited my options in many things, one of them is education. But that "misfortune" turned out to be one of the best things that's ever happened, it paved the way for my first encounter with Christ. Mid 1992, in a full gospel student's crusade, there I was, a Catholic boy, with tears running down, accepted Jesus in my heart and although with limited understanding & lots to be feared I gave up my life "to be used by God", my first call to minister, the one I answered "Yes" to.
Concealed Flame π₯π
I continued formal study until university, and as far as I could remember, I desired things related to Christian faith, whether it's the story of recent "sightings" & miracles, testimonies of those converted to Christianity, apocalyptic prophecies, etc. Although I've never experience anything supernatural before, I was on fire every time I retold those stories to fellow students or anyone who would listen (not many of them). Although struggling with things mentioned before, I've always been moved whenever I heard contemporary christian songs, they reminded me of primary school memories. Yes, I was a devout catholic back then, but it's hard to both deny and to explain the excitement I felt in expressing my desire for God along with my non-catholic friends in a "new" and more liberated ways. I found the words to describe it much later, and they are ..
Being Charismatic π️π₯π
Can a Catholic be "Baptized in The Holy Spirit"? Well, yes & no.
No because according to catholic priests I've heard: there are no such thing in the vocabulary. Everything including the reception of the presence and the gifts of The Spirit is assigned to ritualistic & commemoration oriented "sacraments" (at least that was my perception). "You're already baptized and The Holy Spirit is already in you, and you've received His gifts through chrism sacrament!" So again, No.
But also "Yes", because if you're referring to the "experience" that a person suddenly in private or in a congregation receives a new revelation of God's presence in overwhelming magnitude so much that it feels nearly physical, and that experience change a person's heart to become so much and obsessively in love with Jesus Christ, His Word and others, then yes, because I've experienced it.
It was circa 1999 during a prayer meeting at my local parish, we began to sing. Suddenly, all my senses were engulfed by an unforgettable presence that fills all in all, so unreal yet consciously experienced. My eyes were closed when I saw beautiful rays of light, captivating beyond words. It was terrifyingly majestic yet so intimately embracing and peaceful. Unspeakable words flew like millions of arrows into my heart, but it’s as if the voice came from the inside, from my own heart.All the words I can think of love, comfort, truthfulness, and purpose cannot translate all that was said in that 5 minutes which felt like eternity. How the fullness and love it brought made me feel so small & unworthy. I’ve been self-aware for as long as I can remember, but that night I was finally fully aware of nothing but him, The Great I Am, whose meaning of name I just understood by experience. And as the music subsided I told myself, “What have I done?” I’ve tried to respond to the unexplainable, speaking something, hoping to give proper respond, yet I found myself subsided from speaking words I didn’t even understand. I was having hard time explaining what I just did or how it could even be. (full story on that, click here!)
Wildfire π₯π₯π₯
Whatever that was, I was a different person afterward. Prayers, worship, fellowship, scriptural readings, liturgy, all kinds of spiritual practices revealed their new colors. They were no longer tiring, nor painful self-sacrifice to please God. They became a delight in which I can offer him my admiration and love
The once concealed flame became a wild uncontrollable fire. Causing me spending collage days in almost constant conflict with the rest of my family. I suddenly became a "cult fanatic" that locks myself for hours just to pray and sing worship songs. I went in late afternoon to find the next big prayer crusade and was often back home in mid nights. Due to family communication problems, this "newfound faith" is the closest thing I have to reality and my "charismatic catholic" ministry friends were like my new siblings. I began to loose interest in study, all I wanted is to finish my undergraduate studies and become a "full-time" preacher. It was in these times that I decided to quit my electone lesson and proceed my experiments, learning musical keyboards & acoustic piano while serving as musician in charismatic prayer meetings.
But was it all bad, all adolescent rage, all foolishness of youth? I doubt it. These are the times when:
- I received a vision, confirmed with multiple prophecies from ministers & preachers that I would be ministering to multitudes on a pulpit / podium.
- I was trained to pray & fast, I learned the "hard way" about forgiveness, faith and the power of prayer with thanksgiving.
- I witnessed "harvest", as part & result of those trainings, in 3 years time, my mother who had been hostile since my "Spirit Baptism", received Jesus through personal prayer that I had the privilege to usher. She was a changed person ever since. She supported my calling and we became good friends until she passed away in 2012. My brother also experienced the "Spirit Baptism", and the rest is a (wonderful) history.
Winds of Change : Hibernation ππ
Back then the Catholics' attempt to re-brand the charismatic catholic movements to be less non-catholic was not as "established" as today. Many of my friends decided to let their Catholicism go and committed themselves to other congregations. What's puzzling was, I wasn't one of them, even when the ministry finally dissolved as many of its members entered new seasons of life (graduated, married, etc).
It was then that the first wave of cold winds blew over my once fiery heart. I was a bit disappointed that after the ministry was no more, only less than a handful of us that's still in contact until this day. Having started a family myself, I tried to reason to ease the pain that it's just the way things are.
Failed to Rule The World, π²πΈππ
Almost Loosing My Soul (and My Mind)
Being newly married, life was partly a fairy tale. I enjoyed daily lives with my wife Sylvia & two of our wonderful sons. Don't get me wrong, I didn't left God nor His ministry, I even make new friendships and one of them was Lifetime, a band I spent quite amount of time and love on. We planned to make the message of "Purpose Driven Life" as the central theme that would get the band & the mission going, we even made one independently distributed album. But then again, seasons changed and the cold wind blew again.
At this point I was at the culmination of frustration of working in so many places already yet the compensations were mainly meeting bills and for little savings. I was hypothesizing that the office jobs were not my calling and that's why I was unfulfilled financially and spiritually. However, instead of seeking God's will with humility, I tried to enter the property industry. I made such drastic decision hoping to gain more, to boast in front of my big family especially those I've deemed as had treated me & my family unfairly or unkindly. I also wanted to be able to serve my parents especially my mom in their retirement day which were at hand.
She's Ready, She Needs to Come Home π₯ππ
In May 2012, just as I entered the transition into property job, a call came to my previous office during my visit to complete the handover process. My mom was admitted to hospital due to what seemed to be a heart condition, the team of doctors reported that due to her hypertension (not being treated with proper dosage and therapy over the years), her heart had swollen and the palpitation had weakened, there were also liquid already built up in her lungs.
She stayed in the ICCU for 10 days. There she seemed to be better in the first 3 days, and she received visions later that Jesus had come to stop her from pulling the oxygen mask & IV's. She grew restless after a week and wrote so many things, mostly in mandarin "kanji" that's quite hard to read due to her unsteady grip. My dad still has these writings until today yet he never disclose neither informed me on the progress to "decipher" the writings. However, I was informed that few parts of the writing was also in Bahasa and one line is read "Jesus is God". We're also told that she mentioned her desire to testify should she'd be healed. The following days upto the 10th was a history of hope, faith being tested, disappointment, questions, grief & lost. She left us to be with The Lord on a clear beautiful Saturday morning.
In The Valley of Shadows π☠️
So there I was, practically jobless, we lived for 4 straight months facing a heartbreaking fact, relying on current savings while the property jobs promised nothing but marketing commission, no sales, no monthly salary to catch your fall.
It was there in those times that I witnessed the full extend of human selfishness. I experienced relatives giving "opportunities" that turned out to be a sour deal wrapped in sweet words right when I need some cash for weekly groceries. I witness brokers that would do just about anything for money, including elusively grabbing part of my rightful sales and thank the Lord as they speak in the stage for their "salesman of the month" thing. I got to the lowest rock bottom of disappointment & confusion that the only thing I thought of to do to rationalize the rest continuation of my life is by embracing atheism. You'll be surprise that it's the best part, the - not so best part - was that I felt the burden of missing my mother, career failures and financial insecurity all at once were to much to bear and in just a course of one year I've tried to end my life several times. I've got to the point where my introvert self often lost control / restraint responding to unpleasant gestures or unkind remarks.
Shema, Listen
Χ©ΧΧ’ "Shema" is a Hebrew word meaning "to listen & act accordingly". One famous preacher once said "If you don't expect God to speak, you'll discount Him every time He does." The compatibility problem with atheism was that I've already experience walking with God in the past and I've been trained not to ignore any "clues & cues", it's already a reflex. So during 2013 to 2014 I've experienced things that atheistic response (or in this case: tendency of not to) just couldn't suffice. What were those?
- Circa 2013, my ex-lifegroup member back in 2001 (turned entrepreneur wonder boy) came to the my workplace, out of 90 marketers he chose me to market his villa. I didn't succeed selling the unit, but that unexpected walk-in reunion introduced me to the vibrant world of e-commerce. The business set off & still paying the bills today.
- During almost same period I got requests to teach music or tutoring children's school subjects. It still puzzled me until this day as of where they knew me from. Some families treated me so well, provided meals for almost every sessions, never forgotten to buy me vacation merchandises to take home. I tried to hide my emotions because I truly felt the warmth of family & the sense of "home" that were lost when Mom went away.
- In the midst of treacherous property business I couldn't help but to notice certain (authentic) Christians that "miraculously" stood out in working achievements. Whenever I was around them, the "primary school nostalgia" returned, the kind of joy & unexplained hope that somehow could surpass heart aches & difficulties.
- My old friends were responding positively to my invitation to partake in my online business scheme. Although some "went astray", causing me financial losses, many other were honest & helpful. God was tampering with my logic, if everyone seek only things for themselves then where did such kindness come from? And little did I realize, I regained my working focus, this time the marketplace was the workplace.
- I gradually realized that within such turmoil, God was giving me a life I'd always dreamt of, a musical life. In fact that was why I finally determined leaving my last office job, beside to repay my parents before my mom passed away. It's also what I was hoping to build through Lifetime. Not wanting to go back to office works, thinking that they've altered my father (also myself) into bitter less joyful human beings, I was left with nothing but a startup and musical gigs once in a while. All road was closed but somehow I was still walking & getting there. It's as if God tried to use shattered pieces of my life to show that as much as He's sovereign, He also cares. He wanted what's best & nothing less. And by the way, the "once in a while" gradually turned into regular thing.
Is She Mythical? ⚛️π·️π°
That's the first thing on my mind as my wife, Sylvia shared about her day at school on our dinner table. School? Ow, I guess I skipped a story ..
It was 2015. By this time my wife had been back to teaching jobs both in private schools & private lessons. The first time she reapplied was heartbreaking because I realized how "screwed up" we were that she had to help supporting the family's financial. However, there's another "tone" of this story, the one that compelled me to give it a special place in this writing as it also have been in my life's story.
Her name was Tomasita Wong, a Filipino, a wife, a mother of three adult children, and a fellow teacher of my wife. And she's been in Sylvia's dinner table story almost everyday for almost a year. It's as if I got to know this lady already through many stories, her hard & less fortunate history, her academic treats that had helped Sylvi many times, her family, her spirituality, how Sylvi told stories after stories of far too much "coincidences". It's not the bombastic miracles, but rather something subtle, as if God has been intervening so much in her life just to beacon me, a person at the other end of the earth she hardly knew. And the more I heard these stories the more I both love & doubt it. It's just too good to be true, and it's in a way, disturbing.
Yes, disturbing. It's the feeling that somethings has to be done in response. But a response to what? What kind of response? Nevertheless, the pull was so powerful that my decision not to approach God nor to be spiritually enthusiastic ever again, they couldn't seemed to hold me back from whatever it was I began to shift to.
It was 2015. By this time my wife had been back to teaching jobs both in private schools & private lessons. The first time she reapplied was heartbreaking because I realized how "screwed up" we were that she had to help supporting the family's financial. However, there's another "tone" of this story, the one that compelled me to give it a special place in this writing as it also have been in my life's story.
Her name was Tomasita Wong, a Filipino, a wife, a mother of three adult children, and a fellow teacher of my wife. And she's been in Sylvia's dinner table story almost everyday for almost a year. It's as if I got to know this lady already through many stories, her hard & less fortunate history, her academic treats that had helped Sylvi many times, her family, her spirituality, how Sylvi told stories after stories of far too much "coincidences". It's not the bombastic miracles, but rather something subtle, as if God has been intervening so much in her life just to beacon me, a person at the other end of the earth she hardly knew. And the more I heard these stories the more I both love & doubt it. It's just too good to be true, and it's in a way, disturbing.
Yes, disturbing. It's the feeling that somethings has to be done in response. But a response to what? What kind of response? Nevertheless, the pull was so powerful that my decision not to approach God nor to be spiritually enthusiastic ever again, they couldn't seemed to hold me back from whatever it was I began to shift to.
Stairs
Soon after the Wongs visited us I dropped the notion that Mrs. Tomasita was actually Sylvia's imaginary friend. We chat briefly and I somehow felt that she and her husband were genuine and down to earth human beings, casual, practical, emphatic, the rare type of human beings that as they left on their way home I didn't mind for another future meeting. Yes, in that seasons of life, that's rare.
Then as I reluctantly agreed to Sylvia’s idea to visit their church (just for once, that’s what I told myself), things took unexpected turns.
The church was IES Northwest (NW). Ps. Tommy C. Pacatang, the senior pastor himself greeted us with a warm smile. I was immediately brought into nostalgic atmosphere when the praise and worship started. My attention was soon drawn into their unique part of service, Bible verse memory individual recitation. The lengthy memorizing was admirable, but the power of the Word was the one that truly captured my heart. It's evident that no matter how you present them, fiery or ice cold methodic, The Word is alive and will give you life. Likewise, the sermon which at first - aside from sporadic joking - seemed “too structural & theological” had forced me to stop and think, to relate, and even to nearly burst in tears several times.
It’s as if God was healing me but by performing agonizing non-anesthetic surgeries. The Filipino congregation was surprisingly warm and friendly, in fact they were the humblest and authentic English-speaking community I’d know so far. And so the “once” became second visit, third, until I lost count. But as for ministry, I was still traumatized and timid to start over, and I’ve done playing games of religion, so I was looking for a stronger reason to commit myself to any community instead of simply being impulsive. But just like God’s visitation in 1999, turned out that I was “thirstier” than I realize and would admit.
Recollection
In the course of one year after, IES NW had become my new family of faith, spiritual healing was speedy and intense. With God’s provision so far, me & Sylvia had been able to better manage our family’s financial and more than that, God’s providence of peace had really calmed my mind so that I could focus in working and at the same time, trying to explore my calling. Participating in church campaigns, workshop and ministries had reconnected me with a network of saints, helping me channeling my grief, articulating my struggles and hope. I could really feel that God was healing my heart and restoring my faith.
In 2016 I started to develop interest in leaning languages using Duolingo mobile app, today I’m leaning six languages with different level of focus. By the time this blog is completed and my bio sketch for Masteral Course enrollment is done I’ve also completed a year accumulation of 993 kilometers runs with the NRC+ app and by May 2020, during COVID19 lockdowns I had accumulated 2,000 km under my belt. God had shown me that his plans and my purpose are never forgotten. Through lost, grief and defeat I’ve learnt how sovereign he is, now he wants me to understand that all malice in the world can never diminish all he is, which is good & loving. God has turned my helplessness into a fight reclaiming grounds from the darkness of depression & inferiority. As I set my eyes to him, I was trained to eliminate mental barriers, focusing not on my limits but on God’s limitlessness.
As I drew strength from meditating God’s Word, I noticed that I was getting less emotional and mystical in my scripture internalization approaches. I began to develop passion in more thorough, contextual, historical and philosophical scriptural exploration whenever possible, a more “ora et labora” version of acquiring “rhema”. There were actually several preachers in my past that shared about the vastness of God’s wisdom in aspects of Christianity such as salvation, the Trinity and so on. At this point I sufficed myself, basking in wonderful new nuance of living God’s Word, but that soon to change.
Eureka?
Many of my friends have pursued higher education, most of them gained Master degree in business or extended certified accountant degrees, and they’ve seemingly stepped up the corporate ladder well, however I’ve been wondering for many years why I have no desire to pursue such path. But then God caused me to cross path with Ptr. Florian Simatupang, M.Div from IES Central and Ptr. Dr. Joseph R. Suico from Holy Ground Family Fellowship Church, Philippines, also a former academic administrator at APTS (Asia Pacific Theological Seminary). Being blessed with their ministry, my eyes were finally lit and I said to myself, “This is the kind of field I’d like to pursue, this is the kind of scholar I’d want to become.” As I think deeper in my search of calling I began to see the red thread, God’s great design once more. Being an introvert, it’s hard for me to interact with others let alone to “sell”, to confidently transfer ideas and beliefs through private conversation or public speaking. However, I had less problems sharing something factual and knowledge related, since their credibility were already proven, I only need to strive for good, detailed and thorough research and finally compelling story telling, and for me although it also requires composure, it’s also enjoyable.
I’ve grown tired to deny the inevitable with the excuse of imperfect life, an excuse already been tiredly used by so many. Also the fear of having bias between ministry and financial quests, that God had also eliminated, currently I’ve had my means of living outside religious organization works. If I was going to have pulpit ministry in the future, I envision myself to be the educated and a continuously learning kind of minister.
IES NW and the universal AOG are indeed my new big friendly loving family now. But I guess faith is never a journey that you leave any heritage baggages totally as you progress. I'll always carry that ancient fine art colors of catholicism with my theology carriage, hopefully to see and admire our heavenly loving Father with extra pre-installed lenses and angles. With that legacy I'm also hoping to be able and be allowed to enrich the understanding hues of any journey companions I might come across. Even until today I still consider any progress in knowing and sharing Jesus to others as the fulfillment of my catholicism thus also my christian calling, even up to the point that my future actions will effectively put me under "ex-communicatio". But let's not get depressed by the sound or the prospect of it shall we?
And all those relit desires were all merely dreams and wishes until one day in July 2018, Ps. Tommy shared about the Master of Arts course opportunities with Global University and how in many ways it resonated with all I am shared in this bio sketch, and later how God opened the door and provision for me to enroll. I’ve set my eyes on The New Testament Concentration, also with a vision for finishing a Doctor of Ministry in the future. I’m looking forward for the next chapter of a vibrant purposeful life with Christ, my all in all who’s made all things new.
PS (an update : Jan 1, 2019)
On September 25th, 2018 I was granted provisional admission for Biblical Studies Masteral program, required that I finish several theology under graduate subjects (with 80% achievement rate, quite a tall order, stayed joyful nontheless).
Jan, 16th, 2019 ..
Esta comienza! It's on, people! ππππ My first (prerequisites undergrad) lesson is unlocked. I got emosional about this π #sob ..
.
I finished my undergrad days 17 yrs ago, in a major I don't have passion in but to compromise with external expectancies and the struggle of self seeking & identity search.
Now, it's 180°, heaven & Earth kind of atmosphere, and I didn't even dare to dream to have a life this energized, this hopeful, feels this renewed and rejuvenated I didn't even bother the 232 pages of the 1st reading material!
Class in Session!
It wasn't long until I realized that long distance, second language masteral course with such targets & deadlines was a heavy load for a family man and professional like myself. I only finished the first subject of the provisional term, "Old Testament Literature" until its mid course test. However my heart was far from despair, instead, with all other online sources available such as Third Millenium Ministry Theological video lessons, Dr. David Pawson's teaching series on YouTube, "Half Time" by Bob Buford, Harvard edx free online courses, and tons of Bible study and preaching coaching sessions with IES NORTHWEST, to name a few, I'm in constant notion that everyday of my new journey toward God custom-made live of service is a class in Session!
PS (an update : Jan 1, 2019)
Esta comienza! It's on, people! ππππ My first (prerequisites undergrad) lesson is unlocked. I got emosional about this π #sob ..
.
I finished my undergrad days 17 yrs ago, in a major I don't have passion in but to compromise with external expectancies and the struggle of self seeking & identity search.
Now, it's 180°, heaven & Earth kind of atmosphere, and I didn't even dare to dream to have a life this energized, this hopeful, feels this renewed and rejuvenated I didn't even bother the 232 pages of the 1st reading material!
Class in Session!
It wasn't long until I realized that long distance, second language masteral course with such targets & deadlines was a heavy load for a family man and professional like myself. I only finished the first subject of the provisional term, "Old Testament Literature" until its mid course test. However my heart was far from despair, instead, with all other online sources available such as Third Millenium Ministry Theological video lessons, Dr. David Pawson's teaching series on YouTube, "Half Time" by Bob Buford, Harvard edx free online courses, and tons of Bible study and preaching coaching sessions with IES NORTHWEST, to name a few, I'm in constant notion that everyday of my new journey toward God custom-made live of service is a class in Session!
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From brother Felix's thumb π
♥️
Greetings beloved readers!
Friends, you are created for God's delight as much as He's delighted to shower you with love, to restore you into His intended fullness of life, to reveal Himself to you through His Son, Jesus Christ, to pour out His heart to you and as much people whose lives you're allowed to touch. This is OUR ministry of peace & reconciliation.
How to support OUR ministry?
This ministry is grounded in the longing to be an authentic integral witness of God's salvation in a way that blesses & empower people to be better in what they're destined & called to do, to be a better professionals, business owners, family member, and member of their communities and even their nation.
Therefore we don't collect financial donations but rather asking you to support causes and ventures we believe could bring increasing opportunity to resonate His messages through what we daily do best as roles mentioned above.
How can I support OUR ministry?
Visit or/and share these following links ..
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Blessings
