I will never disclose your names..
Because it's not a blame game anymore. Some may get irritated, some may change their "scoring", some get defensive even retaliate. Some issues just might be misunderstood and the blame game continues.. Well, maybe I'm just writing for self-medication purpose, you know, letting them all out.
Because I don't believe in changing people more than asking continuously "what did I do wrong" 1000 times over.
I turned the date notification off on purpose, because I'd like to be remembered by those who really intended to :) not just out of courtesy, let alone for prospecting purposes.
I won't blame you for our shared limitations to remember.
Because I don't want to ruin and spoil my own hard work, sweat, even tears to rebuild the damage some of "the closest" have done to my faith in friendship, to the conviction that with certain people with certain dreams and ambition you can just close your eyes and start the walk.
Please forgive the bitter aftertaste and understand that I'm still recovering from the loss of my beloved mother.. Pls let me mourn some more, because even Elvis Presley died not just because of overdose but of that grief, while me, thank God I'll survive and get better each day. Forgive me that I'm still tempted to ask some individuals why they act in such a way that she got so bitter that she continually refused to be diagnosed and treated until the day of the heart attack. Because in times like this, she usually come and gives me warm hugs and kisses, and knocks the front gate, calling her grandson letting him know she has some cakes with her.
Because after the "normal" mourning period, one of you speak so senslessly about how unproductive I was after spending days and nights in hospital, awaiting my 2 months old son that catched severe lung infection afterward. Some of you even leaved a group I was previously so excited of joining & growing in hope of musical career development, in which to do that I chose to leave the other group. They were avid singers that draws my amazement even as I joined them for half reunion half ministry to our member "thing" recently. And yes, the thought that I left them for you who then left me in return, it all just too much to bear. You left me as the only one member left, i nursed the online group alone for weeks and then months awaiting just one of your post, which never came.. you never call nor write, accept for those Christmas formalities.. You chased and arrived at your dreamed destination, further study and degree, advanced career, a more complete family, leaving me again with questions.. "Was I too much of bad omen to whatever you're pursuing that in spite of hours and hours of jamming and sharing still our friendship became expendable? 
Yes, I haven't truly recovered from suspecting any friendship building attempts. I got so severed that I almost think that I finally came to the "truth" that everyone is a man for himself, an argument I've previously been fighting all my life since I met Christ. With heavy financial struggles, disappointment, loss of loved ones, depression, I was torn so much that atheism started to look like the most responsible thing I could use to see and explain the world that I was living in then, after all, you won't be so beaten down and tired as to blame God when you finally succumbed and eloquently accepted the fact that He might not be there to blame.
It's not and shouldn't be a blame game, remember? :)
I was almost even through with so called brotherhood and family ties, I blamed my weak self for that. That I got so agitated when one of you offered me something, claiming yourself as "giving me a hand" while in fact the letters (more like "numbers") said otherwise, you counted even until last pennies, helping your mourning brethren whom you knew had just jumped in desperation into a property brokering job after 10yrs behind desks, hoping to succeed, became rich, making his mom proud and happy, but then before any of that were accomplished .. his mom died.. And you still counting pennies, keeping your book tidy ..
But enough of that, as I said to myself earlier. Well, it's not that easy nor simple, just like fighting an addiction. Addiction to doubt and negativity, I believe out of experience, my believe dictates the latter experience and the vicious circle continues.
I don't recall when the tide turned exactly. My wife's non stop prayers, her amazing perseverance, total acceptance, new acquaintances, absurd sporadic breakthroughs in online retail business, musical opportunities, the ones when I played CCM with great young talents, a joy perhaps fully comprehended only by a very small group of human being, a chance to sing " You Are My Hiding Place - by Selah" in exact duet with Nania Idol, new communities, my choir coordinator that at one time acted surprisingly similar to certain detail that brought back mom's loving & caring memories..
I don't know which one of those that flipped the door open, all I know the light was in and it lingers up to this day.
I've made peace with those dark gloomy corners, so I think I should step up .. and write, that's all there is to it. I write for you to know me better, for myself to know me better in the process, perhaps in time it can also help you to see yourself better. How a bankrupt depressed introvert melancholic such as me with all that survived until this day to write to you as victory and Thanksgiving celebration, who would know? :). I never wanted nor planned to talk to any of my close ones that I thank them for bringing me closer to knowing faith, hope and love through their shortcomings, but it's the truth, and I'm writing all these, proudly saying that instead of atheism, nihilism and fatalism, I've returned to the safe and warm embrace of The Loving Father, the precious fellowship with Christ Jesus and the comfort of His Spirit.
Just as He'd loved me insanely, I'm living one day at a time forgiving and loving you all.
Blessings :)
